I need to have a conversation with food about this

Recently, I shared a meal with a group of people that I didn't really know all that well. Two of them were the acquaintances that had invited me - the others I met for the first time as we sat down in the restaurant. The restaurant was Doughboys here in L.A. and if you aren't familiar with it, all you need to know is this - Holy Shit: Good. Doughboys is hearty calorie laden food, and their baked goods are pretty phenomenal. For example, they have an item on the menu which is a sandwich that has peanut butter, bananas, and chocolate placed on pan de mie bread baked on premises that is then dipped in egg batter, grilled and served with a raspberry dipping sauce. For the savory folks: The Morning Pizza has a fresh baked crust with emmanthal cheese, pancetta, caramelized onions and 2 eggs all baked on top. I swear to God, my heart just slowed down while typing that out. Oh, um, they have salads too, but they serve it with home made foccacia with cheese baked on top. Cause, ya know.

So there we all were, starving, and basically wanting everything on the menu, so we ordered a bunch of different things and shared. And we were really EATING - as in just scarfing this food down like we were never going to eat again and talking and laughing and really enjoying ourselves. One of the women there, one that I did not know, suddenly took advantage of a pause to say, "Wow, girls, this is a real PIG OUT! We are PIGGING OUT! I mean, I didn't know that when we were going to do this, that it was going to be a PIG OUT."

and I thought, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS.", but that's just me.

the odd thing being that she had ordered half a salad and didn't touch it.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how people eat or don't eat, and since we've just started this here blog about relationships with food, I thought I might try my hand at breaking down some of the types that I have witnessed. These kind of types, in my opinion, transcend being a vegetarian, vegan, or omnivore. It's not about what you eat, it's how you relate to the food at hand. It's not definitive, no names are mentioned (including my own), the examples and quotes for the most part are real, and of course there will be crossover within categories, but here we go...

THE FLAGELLANT

I confess to you Almighty God, and to you my brothers and sisters...

It's as though somehow the act of contrition or the acknowledgement of sins while eating will negate any calories consumed. To wit:

"I shouldn't be eating this"
"I never eat stuff like this"
"I won't eat dinner tonight"
"I'll go to the gym tomorrow"
"This is sooo bad for me"
"We are being little piggies, aren't we?"

THE ACTRESS

Don't let the name fool you - it has no relation to the vocation of the individual that fits in this category. The "actress" plays the part of the big eater, the food enthusiast, the carbohydrate pleasure monger, the chocolate whore. Why, she's one of the girls, and she thinks she has everyone convinced that she loves a good cupcake or 4 as much as anyone else! She LOVES to talk about how much she loves "food", and at a dinner, buffet or party, will fill her plate with yummy things, giggling about how EXCITED she is to be chowing down. She might even TAKE A BITE and tell you how DELICIOUS it all is.

However, if you watch carefully, she's not eating any of it. She's too "engaged" in a conversation, or she's feeding it to her boyfriend/spouse in a lovey dovey manner till her plate is clean, or, you know, too busy drinking wine to exchange the glass for a fork. "Oh! This is my SECOND plate" she says coyly, "You didn't SEE what I already ate!" - and of course there is always the imaginary giant repast of the -- er - past. "I had SO much for lunch! It was GROSS!".

She'll rhapsodize over pastries with other women, whisper with them conspiratatorally about the candy bars she can't resist, draw them deep into discussion about which ice cream flavor is her most favoritist, and then sit and drink water while everyone else is chowing down at the BR31. Because, you know, she already ATE before she got there.

THE MACHO

Arguably this one is feminine only. The macho eater reacts to the way women are "supposed to eat". She's the one at the table with the salad eaters (no croutons, dressing on the side please!) that, when it comes her turn to order, can be heard saying, "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a coke, no, not a diet coke, I said a COKE... actually, could you make that a milkshake?". It's important to her that she be set apart from the bird girls by her shocking consumption of calories. Yes, she's going to finish that, don't even bother asking - even if it's your first date. Maybe she's working out like a fiend, maybe she's watching her calories in the privacy of her own home, or maybe she's eating like that at home too - but no matter what, in public it's always, "Yes, please bring us the dessert menu"

THE SHAMAN

"You probably need to eat something," the baker said. "I hope you'll eat some of my hot rolls. You have to eat and keep going. Eating is a small, good thing in a time like this," he said.

He served them warm cinnamon rolls just out of the oven, the icing still runny. He put butter on the table and knives to spread the butter. Then the baker sat down at the table with them. He waited. He waited until they each took a roll from the platter and began to eat. "It's good to eat something," he said, watching them. "There's more. Eat up. Eat all you want. There's all the rolls in the world in here." -- Raymond Carver

"Eat this, It'll make you feel better." Food is medicine to be administered, it heals and helps and nurtures. This is the cook who knows just what will ease the pain. A hot meal, a quick snack, a batch of cookies. Any time, day or night, the diner is always open, the doctor is always in. We don't have to talk about it or deal with it. Mangia.

More to come. Stay Tuned. Cause, er, yeah, we sit around tuning in web pages on our compoohtohrs.